Finding My Father's Love

     To write a letter to myself is such a foreign thing to me. For me my internal voice has always been so negative. As my husband says I'm always first to cut myself down. I have always felt  my life was not my own. My life was always controlled, dictated. And when I didn't perform my chores as a good daughter should then I got told how awful I was. I didn't go out and party. I didn't go out and date hardly at all.  Yet when his rage set in was was called tramp. I  got thrown down and kicked in the stomach. All from the guy who I once was his little girl. The one who I had always looked up to. 

     After years of living this way this became my inner voice. I'll never be good enough. I'll never meet anyone  expectations. All I'm fully capable of is left in  people down. Oh ha an  being the o e who has "the pretty sister."  And being young I didn't know exactly how to handle all of this so I became anorexic. I was 5 foot 8 an  I weighed 95 pounds and no one noticed. No cared enough for me to notice how I was withering away. 

My inner voice  has always been so full of your not pretty,  your not skinny. You have zero value to anyone no matter what you do. I'm not a good enough mom or wife. It's like a never ending mental assault. 

     But now I can slowly start to see who I truly am. I am a child of God. I have been created in his own image. I am God's workmanship and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. And then a  I read Psalm 91:14 The Lord says," I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name." It make me feel so full of love to read those words. He loves me and cares for me that much. To him I am special. 

To fully start to realize the depth to which Jesus and God love me is breathtaking. Little'ol me and they wan  me. Once I really all that all there is to say to myself is...You are loved. You are love  at a depth you will not fully understand. You are so beautiful in the eyes of the one who truly matters. To your make  you are perfect, flaws and all. He will love you no matter what. He is what a true father is and will always be. 

           Finding My Father's Love

                           Kate