Finding My Father's Love

     To write a letter to myself is such a foreign thing to me. For me my internal voice has always been so negative. As my husband says I'm always first to cut myself down. I have always felt  my life was not my own. My life was always controlled, dictated. And when I didn't perform my chores as a good daughter should then I got told how awful I was. I didn't go out and party. I didn't go out and date hardly at all.  Yet when his rage set in was was called tramp. I  got thrown down and kicked in the stomach. All from the guy who I once was his little girl. The one who I had always looked up to. 

     After years of living this way this became my inner voice. I'll never be good enough. I'll never meet anyone  expectations. All I'm fully capable of is left in  people down. Oh ha an  being the o e who has "the pretty sister."  And being young I didn't know exactly how to handle all of this so I became anorexic. I was 5 foot 8 an  I weighed 95 pounds and no one noticed. No cared enough for me to notice how I was withering away. 

My inner voice  has always been so full of your not pretty,  your not skinny. You have zero value to anyone no matter what you do. I'm not a good enough mom or wife. It's like a never ending mental assault. 

     But now I can slowly start to see who I truly am. I am a child of God. I have been created in his own image. I am God's workmanship and I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me. And then a  I read Psalm 91:14 The Lord says," I will rescue those who love me. I will protect those who trust in my name." It make me feel so full of love to read those words. He loves me and cares for me that much. To him I am special. 

To fully start to realize the depth to which Jesus and God love me is breathtaking. Little'ol me and they wan  me. Once I really all that all there is to say to myself is...You are loved. You are love  at a depth you will not fully understand. You are so beautiful in the eyes of the one who truly matters. To your make  you are perfect, flaws and all. He will love you no matter what. He is what a true father is and will always be. 

           Finding My Father's Love

                           Kate

Moving Forward

Moving forward....moving forward. To say those two words seem like it should be such a simple thing to do. Something that I could do with great ease. Yet the baggage and hurts of the past have such a grip on me. A grip that that went deeper than I realized. A grip that seeped into areas of my life I couldn't see.  It had made me less of a mom. Less of a wife. Less of the child of God I was meant to be. 

I was master at being able to come up with a reason, a excuse to make my behavior or way of thinking ok.  That it was ok to not allow myself to fully open up to the ones most important to me. I could rationalize why it was ok to take my emotions out on those around me. Even thought they did not deserve it at all. Looking back I can see that they got the worst of me more than they got a glimpse of the good.

  Ha  never realized I hadn't fully opened up and let my walls down to the man I loved. Th man who ha  been my best friend since the second grade an  my one safe place I ever knew. That I never leather  my walls down with my kids or even with God. Because in my world all horse around you are eventually at some point going to turn against you, hurt you and leave you and all the broken pieces behind.

As I've been learning and growing I've been able to see how I've been.  If  been able to tear down walls with my kids, my husband and most important with God. As the walls have been coming falling block by block they've been replaced with loving joy. Joy from an even stronger and closer marriage than it was before. Joy from kids I fully enjoy an love on an even deeper  level. The holy joy you get from an all loving God that I am now able to see, hear and feel more daily.

I am truly a work in progress. A work in progress that most days is moving forward. Unfortunately I have days where it seems no matter what I do   can  he  going forward. But I know that the path will always be corrected I  I am open and looking forward towards God and not back at the past.

On My Journey
Kate

The Start of Surrendering

  I'd say my story of my journey to surrendering starts a few months back. We were led to leave our church and go to one with more focus on children's ministry. Once we had started to our new church I expected a time of adjustment. I just didn't realize how it would break my spirit. As time went on my kids loved it, my husband had been asked to play the drums for the praise band. Everyone was finding their place in our new church. Everyone but me. I was still floating along wilting in the solitude of the absence of friends.

  Living in the country, homeschooling and being a farm wife are isolating on their own. And now this. I just didn't get what God's plan was. I prayed daily for a friend, to find my place. I prayed desperately for friendships with the ladies there.

  Finally one morning I had reached my end. The tears could not be held back anymore. Like river of hurt and rejection flowing from my eyes. All the pain I had kept in for so long was released. I really just let everything out. And I prayed asking why I couldn't just fit in and make friends. I felt so lost.

  And then I realized. The friend I had been praying for desperately seeking was there all along. My friend had been hearing all my thoughts, pains and wishes. He was always there just waiting for me to realize he was there. Offering unfailing love. Offering all that I was needing to be happy.

  It was a sad morning that started the change in me. I no longer felt completely lost. As for church, well its still the same. But the difference is that I'm not. I'm OK with being the loner. Because I already have the best friend a girl could ask for. All I had to do was start the journey of surrendering to find him. We all have the most amazing best friend if we look for him. Our Father in heaven wants us and that's all that matters.

Enjoying my best friend
     Kate

I Need A Mommy Time Out, Please!!

  Do you ever have ah ha moment where God calls you out big time for your behavior? And then your like ouch, wowzers!! I got to experience one of those the other day. It was one of those days where I got up thinking it was going to be a pretty easy going day. Nothing going on. Just school and laundry. That's it. Then the army of minions I created woke up and the rebellion began. First the oldest, let's call him Wild Thing, started to fully earn his name. He was all over the place and I was trying to start school. Then my other son we'll call him Dependable sat down calmly to do his work. Well then wild thing decides to sit down and work but decides its his job to tell dependable what he can and can't do. That doesn't work so a huge bruhaha begins. And then of course the older two are going at it so what would the younger two do...why fight as well. Beef cake comes over wailing with a nasty bite mark on his hand while Sass sits quietly with and evil satisfied grin, she is her mothers child.

  So what do I do when all this blows up? Why what all moms would do.....I begin a mommy tantrum of my own of course. I start to bark out orders and commands at the minions and they rebell even harder. The more I bark the more they rebell. Finally I can take no more of the minion revolt.  

  So I go to my prayer journal and I wrote. I wrote like my hand was on fire. " I just don't know why my kids won't obey. I feel as if I'm going to explode. My morning is so off track and I don't know how to get back on track. I don't know why they won't just do what their told". Ya and then the burn sets in " I bark at the kids cause they aren't doing what I want....but am I doing what you want Lord... Nope". 

  How on earth can I expect them to behave and be pleasing to God and me if I'm not even focused on pleasing God? 

  When we let our heart and focus stray from the Lord all chaos will break loose. So I finished up my prayer crying out for forgiveness and crying for help in so many areas. And I got rewarded. The mood in my house turned around. Everyone got a happy peace. And then my sweet obs prayer sister shared a song that spoke so deeply to me that day. It was just the most perfect song for me that day. " In the middle of my little mess I forget how BIG I am blessed!!" Those words couldn't be more true to me and resonate with me daily. 

  The minion leader

  Kate

Perfect Love

  Perfect Love, what is it?  The meaning of the word perfect if looked up is faultless, flawless, quintessential and ultimate. Then we have the meaning of love. Love is an intense feeling of deep affection, fondness, tenderness, endearment and attachment. Once I read all that and really take it all in I can't help but feel awe. I have total amazement that that's how God feels about me. I have done nothing to earn it and have done so much I feel that makes me not deserve it. Yet he feels that way about me. 

  When I was two months pregnant with my third child after having two miscarriages the year before I received a call. Grandpa's in the hospital and their calling in the family. I called my doctor. So scared I could loose yet another baby. She told me stay home, don't go. If your labor starts I can't stop it this early. But I had to see him. He was my amazing grandpa. The one who gave amazing hugs and instilled the love of country in my heart. So I went. And as we drove I filled with emotions the whole way there. And as we walked down the hallway the emotions built. Fear of loosing grandpa. Fear for my unborn child. And then we turned to the hallway where all my family was. And I saw all the red eyes, all the tears. And me, I began to feel warm and I went numb. I felt no pain at all. All I felt was a warm numbing love. I know if was God's love protecting me and my child. And then when I got the call the next day that he was gone. I hit the floor in agony. My grandpa had been like one of my dad's. And now he was gone. But my pregnancy was still going good. 

  God got me through that dark time. He brought through it and it was amazing of how he was there loving me. Then two months later. I get more calls. We don't know what's happened. But grandpas tractor is in a raveen and we don't know what's happened. We kept getting calls yet nothing saying how he was. Then the final call. He's gone. I stood in the yard and I looked up to heaven and ibyelled Why!! I don't get why!!

  Within the matter of two months the men who had been dad to me were gone. My heart was shattered. I was lost and didn't know what to do. Then I have my beautiful healthy baby boy and once I held him, it all came clear. God was showing me that I needed him as my father. The one who gives perfect love. He is my one. He's all I truly need in my heart to get me through anything. And he's all I truly need to make me feel special and loved. 

Truly Blessed
  Kate

Awesomeness & Glitter

  Why do I have no confidence in myself when I am not in the safety of my home?  At church, no confidence. At the grocery store, no confidence. Shopping, again no confidence. Yet when I'm safe at home, in my own four walls that are so familiar, so warm and comforting I blossom and come alive. Home is where I become and outgoing dork full of the " awesome gene". I spout comments like " I'm not crazy, I was dropped in a pool of awesomeness and glitter as a child".  And yes there are times I appear to have soaked in that pool for far too long. Like when I start a water fight in the kitchen, or start a rotten tomato fight in the garden with the kids. 

  Yet when I go out around others who don't know me very well or at all I shrink. I retreat back into the darkness of thoughts of how the people are probably judging me. Or they think my kids are undisciplined. Possibly that I'm an oddball since I Homeschool and no one around here does. I feel that since I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom that I easily stand out for judgment from others who don't know me. 

  And then I get back home. Safe. And all the world disappears. I'm back to my haven. My place of openly crazy happiness where Nerf guns are used to shoot ornaments hanging from the ceiling at Christmas. Where family gathers for bible time and prayers are said around the table before meals from youngest to oldest. And a two year olds prayers can get amusing. 

  Why can't I let the world See the pool of awesomeness and glitter that I'm soaking in, that is being continually filled by Jesus?  Why can't I just let people see me for me and not care what they think or how they feel I should be living? So many questions and yet I know where to go for my answers. If I'm willing to do the work and put in the time I can come out the other side fully willing to show all who I truly am and so can you!!

Soaking in Awesomeness & Glitter
  Kate

hope for a beautiful future

   As I write this I still can't believe I actually took the leap and made a blog. An  then the thoughts come in that there's no point. Who will ever read this? If they do read this they'll probably think your one of three things...crazy, pathetic or just an  idiot. Or possibly all three.  

   But then I'm reminded, you can feel and hear the voices of doubt nagging you because you have turned away from the light.  It's so easy to turn away from God's light during  our hectic and crazy lives. We so easily lose track of who we are pleasing an  who is most importAnt to us. And when we do that in seeps the nasty voices of doubt. 

   We all have scars. Emotional scars from so many things cut deeper than we realize. And they haunt us. They sink in and I so wish they would go away. All the negative an  hurtful names and words out of daddy's mouth. His rage pouring out on your in terrifying fury. The screaming, the physical violence that we don't deserve but yet we are put through. When mom decides she doesn't  want you anymore. She wants a new life with someone else and a new kid. It just repeatedly tells you your not worthy. No one values your presence, your voice, you or anything you have to offer. You are insignificant and you voice has no use in being heard. 

   But there is hope for us all!! God has so much LOVE!! And open ears an  an  open heart. He love us so deeply and years for us to turn to him. To run to him and give him everything that is in us. All our burdens, our hurts and scars he wants them all.  He wants us to be so full of him an  his LOVE that we are brimming with the confidence that only he can give us. 

   I now have a new found hope in a future that can be full of confidence and love an  God's holy joys for all of us who accept it. 

Love life,
  Kate