Awesomeness & Glitter

  Why do I have no confidence in myself when I am not in the safety of my home?  At church, no confidence. At the grocery store, no confidence. Shopping, again no confidence. Yet when I'm safe at home, in my own four walls that are so familiar, so warm and comforting I blossom and come alive. Home is where I become and outgoing dork full of the " awesome gene". I spout comments like " I'm not crazy, I was dropped in a pool of awesomeness and glitter as a child".  And yes there are times I appear to have soaked in that pool for far too long. Like when I start a water fight in the kitchen, or start a rotten tomato fight in the garden with the kids. 

  Yet when I go out around others who don't know me very well or at all I shrink. I retreat back into the darkness of thoughts of how the people are probably judging me. Or they think my kids are undisciplined. Possibly that I'm an oddball since I Homeschool and no one around here does. I feel that since I'm a stay at home, homeschooling mom that I easily stand out for judgment from others who don't know me. 

  And then I get back home. Safe. And all the world disappears. I'm back to my haven. My place of openly crazy happiness where Nerf guns are used to shoot ornaments hanging from the ceiling at Christmas. Where family gathers for bible time and prayers are said around the table before meals from youngest to oldest. And a two year olds prayers can get amusing. 

  Why can't I let the world See the pool of awesomeness and glitter that I'm soaking in, that is being continually filled by Jesus?  Why can't I just let people see me for me and not care what they think or how they feel I should be living? So many questions and yet I know where to go for my answers. If I'm willing to do the work and put in the time I can come out the other side fully willing to show all who I truly am and so can you!!

Soaking in Awesomeness & Glitter
  Kate

hope for a beautiful future

   As I write this I still can't believe I actually took the leap and made a blog. An  then the thoughts come in that there's no point. Who will ever read this? If they do read this they'll probably think your one of three things...crazy, pathetic or just an  idiot. Or possibly all three.  

   But then I'm reminded, you can feel and hear the voices of doubt nagging you because you have turned away from the light.  It's so easy to turn away from God's light during  our hectic and crazy lives. We so easily lose track of who we are pleasing an  who is most importAnt to us. And when we do that in seeps the nasty voices of doubt. 

   We all have scars. Emotional scars from so many things cut deeper than we realize. And they haunt us. They sink in and I so wish they would go away. All the negative an  hurtful names and words out of daddy's mouth. His rage pouring out on your in terrifying fury. The screaming, the physical violence that we don't deserve but yet we are put through. When mom decides she doesn't  want you anymore. She wants a new life with someone else and a new kid. It just repeatedly tells you your not worthy. No one values your presence, your voice, you or anything you have to offer. You are insignificant and you voice has no use in being heard. 

   But there is hope for us all!! God has so much LOVE!! And open ears an  an  open heart. He love us so deeply and years for us to turn to him. To run to him and give him everything that is in us. All our burdens, our hurts and scars he wants them all.  He wants us to be so full of him an  his LOVE that we are brimming with the confidence that only he can give us. 

   I now have a new found hope in a future that can be full of confidence and love an  God's holy joys for all of us who accept it. 

Love life,
  Kate